I haven't been this inactive with art for such a long time. It's kinda making me feel bad but outside events out of my control contribute to some of it. My grandpa was in and out of the hospital since August and he died the day after Thanksgiving, my job is sucking my motivation away and my mom is a train wreck of depression. It all derailed me from that art improvement thing going on...and my story...and the art I owe others.
But I do feel horrible about my art skills at present. Things have been said to me by family members in the past, hurtful things, even though it's something I enjoy greatly and suffer the most when it's taken away for too long. It just lingers too long. That drive to improve doesn't go away though. It nags at me every day, which is a good thing. I'm just not sure how to go about it. My guilt of choosing a bad school is finally on the last legs. The school I got fed up with their lackluster education and dropped out. It took me 5 years to get over that. Family didn't make it better and why it lasted so long. I was the first one to actually go to school after high school so they see me as a failure when that happened, because I didn't "make it".
But I want to make it...in my own way. It may not be grand and I may not have a fancy overpriced piece of paper telling the world I have skills. But. I. Want. To. Get. Good. Good enough to maybe make it a part time job. It beats having the skin on my hand being burned away from harsh cleaning chemicals.
I can't go back to school, because of reasons, so I make due with collecting books and other resources to learn from. Hell, when the holidays are over and I get out of this weird funk I want to get a Gnomon year subscription and make the best out of it with the stuff I do have. Not sure if dropping 500 bux on something like that is a good idea, but the few videos I did see a few years ago, it seems solid. One year may not be enough time either, but hopefully it's enough time to get some good habits down. I'd like to get on a semi-professional level but I'm on my own. It's scary. I have backed down many times and probably will a few more times until I get my courage up. I feel halfway there already despite feeling terrible about my skills, but the other half is going to be the steepest climb ever.